Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Bostic victim of Harrisburg chainsaw massacre

Site of the Harrisburg chainsaw massacre.

I experienced the honey-do project from hell a couple weekends ago.

My wife decided to do away with a pear tree in our backyard. She used a handsaw to cut off all the branches, leaving a 5-foot section of main truck for me to hack down.

As far as honey-do projects go, this one looked pretty easy even though I had no experience using a chainsaw. Actually, I was looking forward to revving up the saw and turning the tree into dust in no time flat.

Then, one of Satan's minions showed up ...

It took about three hours and four roundtrips to the local Ace Hardware store to fell the puny tree trunk and cut it up. (Actually, this was a six-trip job if you count pickup and return of the rental saw.)

Two trips were needed to overcome a dull chain, plus two more trips because I couldn’t get the damn saw started after refueling.

Things got ugly after the third trip. The store clerk confirmed that the saw would start, but I couldn’t get it going in the backyard. The starter cord kept getting jammed after pulling it out about five inches.

A classic temper tantrum ensued. I took off my hat and threw it no the ground in a style reminiscent of former pro baseball managers Billy Martin and Earl Weaver. I kicked the ground several times, and serenaded my neighborhood with a few primal screams.

My teenaged daughter watched the meltdown from the safety of our sunroom, and apparently enjoyed seeing her old man act like a flaming idiot.

The store clerk rescued me from Satan's grip on store trip #4 by diagnosing what I was doing wrong.

I can't remember the last time something pissed me off to such a high degree. It took me two days for my body and mind to recover from being the victim of this chainsaw massacre.

Next up: installing a wash pole to replace the tree. Anyone want to help?
Originally posted March 28, 2006. The wash pole was cemented in place without incident.